i lost my toothbrush.

and it's not even a big house.

anyway, its morning and i've been awake for a few hours now. . .with a sour taste in my mouth. there's something about waking up in this house that doesnt ever let me fall back asleep. my favorite thing in the world to do, and this fucking house wont allow me that simple pleasure. cocksucker.

if you go to saint kates, i want you to know that I MISS YOU!!!! i miss the halls of the cdc, the smelly campus staircases, the feeling of impending doom outside my bedroom door. i miss the girls, and my giant pushed-together bed.

springtime.
frisbee.
just walking around.

anyway, if you miss me so desperately i suppose you could build me a shrine, take a picture, and tell me all about it. i found out there is already a picture of me in the cdc, on the third floor just outside of the ballroom. oh the ballroom. . .so many good times in there--elections, christmas parties, drag shows. sigh.

alright, enough of this non sense. i really do miss you though. . .

drinking makes you type slower.

and if you dont type slower, then you make alot of mistakes. and drinking also makes you hate alex n warfield. yeah dude, i mean that.

to all of you that i love. . .I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

love ellie

oh damn.

why all the regret?
all the sense of failure?
the unnecessary feeling of depression?

none of it means anything.

yesterday, i sat on the couch in the cold under an enormous feather blanket thinking of the things that matter. the ones who inspire me. the people in my life and what they are doing there. hearts, hands, eyes, sex.

i thought about the destruction caused by fire. if this were all to burn, who would i be then? what would i have to show for myself?

its the people in my life everyday that matter. i am learning to appreciate them. i like them!