riding the wake.

i am compelled to write my usual whiny and complacent couple of sentences.

but this time i am inspired by "some something" other than apathy. i haven't been so happy as i have been the last two days in years. tessa and i haven't stopped laughing, skipping, hopping, gasping for air yet. every minute of the day goes much too too fast. my face hurts from smiling, my gut hurts from laughing, and i have more pictures of nature than i can ever decide what to do with.
i want her to take me with her.

today, i cannot seem to figure out how i ever let my life get so far off track. when did i get here? when did i start feeling like just another bump on the log? and why the fuck do i keep thinking that i am not good enough to do or be anything else?
i'm stuck. i feel like i've got one foot out the door and the other in a vice. but at least i know i am going to get out of here.

reflect this.

either the leaves have to start turning red and yellow or i am out of here.
i am tired of stupid questions: "where is highway one?"
and i am tired of answering them with a smile on my face.

i haven't had a chance to breathe since i got back on monday. i haven't had time to collect myself, sort through my shit, wash my clothes.

i'm so overwhelmed, so overwhelmed, so overwhelmed.



anyone heard me scream in awhile?
me neither.

overstimulation.

from work to car to bed to train to couch to bed to train to car to work.
i's been a crazy week, and i am happy to be sitting here alive and still able to think. . .kinda.

i still find that chicago is an amazing city, but it's much more intimidating when on your own. yet i survived it all, had a good time, and am now anxious to know when i will see that particular skyline again.

and speaking of skylines
my most familiar, my most developed, my most endeared skylines have just disappeared. i had high hopes for them, and now i am afraid they will be lost to another shining example of people's lack of faith in the arts. and today i have slipped another notch on the ladder of dignity.

when it all comes around. . .i'll be there. with bells on.

in the morning

chicago.
it consumes all my thoughts.
that's the city for me.
the city for me.

soon.
i will be back in the city soon.
and all too soon, i'll be gone again.
with a week's worth of memories more.

fuck.
i've got to start planning my life.

not for all the love in the world.

on days like today, and on nights like last night
it just feels good.
it feels good to fill your lungs with enough air to belt out a chorus line
for no one to hear
and just to be able to sing it

this time is a good time

somehow it got to be morning.
i have been dealing lately with feelings of disappointment. sometimes for good reason, sometimes for no reason at all.
but even the few beers i drank before midnight take adverse effect and leave me feeling like nothing but a big alcoholic.

"there seems to be a running theme about being fine and alright."
i've noticed it, too.

i am wide awake now in the early morning hours,
jolted by the dream i just had.
disappointed, even in the realm of imaginatation.
(but whose imagination?)
even upon waking, i could feel the intensity of such emotions

loss
betrayal
anger

and a lyric in my head. with nowhere to go until i acknowledge it, listen, admit it to myself.

"the fools we are as men."

as i peer out my bedroom window, the deep blue of a early morning summer sky gives me peace.
peace enough to let me back down to sleep.

the things i learned today.

because we learn new things everyday. . .or so they say.
today i learned that even i can be in a good mood.
i learned that i don't hate ranch dressing as much as i thought.
i learned that i have an hourglass figure.
you know, like "i'm all curves."

i learned that men are gross, at all ages, and women rarely hesitate to defend their behavior.
i learned that i can walk fast, bike faster, and wake up early.
i learned that i can cook, and i can eat, but i don't expect it to taste any good.
i learned that i can be nice, just randomly.
as long as there is something in it for me.

i know. i'm not as smart as i look.
but i am just enough of a jackass that it doesn't matter.