honey in the honey pot.

i swear i'm happy.
though you might not guess it from reading my blogs.

i'm especially happy on the days the twins win.
even better on the days they beat the cubs.

and i am all over the place tonight.
my sister is coming home in the morning! it could rain and hail and be 30 degrees all day and i wouldn't care. because kate would be there.
it's possible this could be the last time i see her in a great long while.
and that hurts.
but she is my baby sister, and i love her nmw.
that's no matter what.

and that matters.

a recurring playlist keeps running thorough my head. i can't decide how it makes me feel, or what inspires the tunes. but i do know that the songs i hear remind me of a memory i haven't made yet.
it's very confusing.

i probably need help. you know, of the professional nature.

when i see you, i always see you upside down

i don't understand why life always has to be so hard.
my mom, the crazy but wise and always-right-in-the-end voice in my head, reassures me that it'll work itself out.
but i'm torn between reality and the dream.

"i should have given you a reason to stay."

but i'm afraid that if i stay, all i will ever want to do is get out.
and if i go, i might fail but at least i will have somewhere safe to come home to.
i feel like the cliche in a clash song.

abandonment. the ultimate price to pay. i don't want it to come down to that.
apologies. of the deepest variety. but i just can't this time. i can't stay. i can only realize one dream at a time, one step at a time.

"this is fact, not fiction."

i'll come back. but please let me go. . .at least for now.

a perfect life.

i dream of sunny days spent in the warming chill of midwest autumn air,
absorbing the constant buzz of everyday.
getting lost, just so we can explore our way back home.
i'm an idealist.
i've always known i was to be surrounded by the beautiful things--art, music, people.
a simple life in the midst of complication.
humbled by people who are smarter than me, though there can't be many!
a little less ordinary, and yet familiar in every way.
safe. unfathomably happy.
then, with one thoughtless remark, the dream is gone.
the dream becomes only a dream, and my reality is a disappointing one.
there are no more good mornings,
just anxious, sleepless nights
and days spent in a haze, hoping for an escape.

currently on hold.

hate waiting..
i didn't really think that the busy signal was ever that ineffective. who decided that forcing customers to listen to tinny elevator jazz and berating them with mini-radio ads was a better idea?
couldn't i just call back later?

sunburns are so less than awesome.

sunscreen.
my best summer friend.
especially when planting a garden.
did it fail me? you might wonder.
no. it worked perfectly on the places i actually applied it.
but i missed. two large bands across my upper and lower back.
the tops of my ears. and the tops of my feet.
and now, it stings to the touch, it hurts to move, it hurts to wear clothes.



at least i will have heaps of delicious vegetables to munch in appox. 65 days.
woot.

yes, you.

you don't know it, but i've celebrated you with ice cream.
she never knew it, but you trusted me with a big secret and i absolutely did not blow it.
you simply don't care, and that is why i love you.
you made me laugh like no one had before, but i felt too vulnerable.
you probably couldn't tell, but i always admired you most.
you didn't know, but i took every word you said like it was gospel.
you have no idea, but i write you letters sometimes, with no intention of actually sending them.
she will never know what you were like before, when you were with me.
you and i don't get along, but that doesn't mean i don't adore every inch of you.
you know everything and more, who am i trying to fool?
you're so not, and neither am i.
you didn't mean it, but i didn't pick those flowers for her.
you might be younger than me, but you're the only jewish grandmother i have!
your feelings were hurt, but i was only quoting a movie.
you must have some idea, that while the look in your eyes makes me buzz, i can't stand to be around you.
you absolutely cannot hurt my feelings, that's why i let you call me "fatty."
you rarely remember to call, but when you finally do, it makes my week.

just call me "savior."

I first saw him about 2 months ago.
Crouched down next to a heap of dirty laundry. I didn't want to disturb him, but he made me feel uncomfortable. I hestitated before turning to leave, and walked away knowing it was the right thing to do.
Everyday for the following weeks, I could sense his presence. He wasn't going to sneak up on me, I knew that. But I wondered if I would ever see him again.
***
Lifeless.
At first I thought she was dead. I felt completely helpless, probably the same way she did before she died. I could almost hear her crying for help.
La Mariposa.
I quickly walked past her frail black and yellow body, hoping no one had witnessed such a shameful interaction.
***
This morning, he came back into my life. It was as though he'd perched there all night, quietly waiting for me. Now he was nervous, anticipating, scared.
I was scared, too.
I looked at him for a long time, while wiping the sleep out of my eyes. I needed to decide what to do about him--and fast.
So I went to the kitchen cupboards, pulled out a small, clear drinking glass and a blank sheet of paper.
***
I opened the back door to look for her after several minutes, probably driven by guilt. I spotted her only a few feet away. Her fragile wings caught the sun's earliest rays, as she lay barely moving on the gritty cement sidwalk.
I wanted to save her. But how?
El Jardin.
The only two words I know in Spanish: they belonged together.
If she was surely going to die, she was going to do it with some dignity, atop a bouquet of healthy purple blossoms. Not under the boot of some aloof, ignorant tourist.
I scooped her up, and laid her gently in the garden to spend the rest of her life surrounded by the beauty of nature.