the next red light.

the smell of fire is strong this morning.
and my head is spinning, along with the room i am sitting in.
bad ideas all around last night.
well. . .not as bad as they could have been.
the point is that i feel like ass, and all i can think about is the breakfast bagel that is waiting for me downtown.


downtown. . .yeah right.
a forest fire is raging 20 miles away, and i use the phrase "downtown." as if ely were more than three blocks around.
anyway. the smell of fire is constant.
i haven't really decided how i feel about that one yet.

sugar and the jitters

i'm running low on tea. and what's left of it is now cold.
but it's still sweet and creamy, with enough kick to keep my eyes open for at least a few more hours.

my belly is nearly empty. that's because there were no eggs for breakfast, as i had been promised.
his word isn't any good, and he doesn't respect me enough. but his smile works, his eyes are deep, and his voice just kills me.
so he is forgiven.

each moment i spend with him is an act of sabotage.
and for what? a poorly kept secret and a summer of awkward suspense. but how happy this makes me. . .an ounce of satisfaction goes a long way these days.

honey in the honey pot.

i swear i'm happy.
though you might not guess it from reading my blogs.

i'm especially happy on the days the twins win.
even better on the days they beat the cubs.

and i am all over the place tonight.
my sister is coming home in the morning! it could rain and hail and be 30 degrees all day and i wouldn't care. because kate would be there.
it's possible this could be the last time i see her in a great long while.
and that hurts.
but she is my baby sister, and i love her nmw.
that's no matter what.

and that matters.

a recurring playlist keeps running thorough my head. i can't decide how it makes me feel, or what inspires the tunes. but i do know that the songs i hear remind me of a memory i haven't made yet.
it's very confusing.

i probably need help. you know, of the professional nature.

when i see you, i always see you upside down

i don't understand why life always has to be so hard.
my mom, the crazy but wise and always-right-in-the-end voice in my head, reassures me that it'll work itself out.
but i'm torn between reality and the dream.

"i should have given you a reason to stay."

but i'm afraid that if i stay, all i will ever want to do is get out.
and if i go, i might fail but at least i will have somewhere safe to come home to.
i feel like the cliche in a clash song.

abandonment. the ultimate price to pay. i don't want it to come down to that.
apologies. of the deepest variety. but i just can't this time. i can't stay. i can only realize one dream at a time, one step at a time.

"this is fact, not fiction."

i'll come back. but please let me go. . .at least for now.

a perfect life.

i dream of sunny days spent in the warming chill of midwest autumn air,
absorbing the constant buzz of everyday.
getting lost, just so we can explore our way back home.
i'm an idealist.
i've always known i was to be surrounded by the beautiful things--art, music, people.
a simple life in the midst of complication.
humbled by people who are smarter than me, though there can't be many!
a little less ordinary, and yet familiar in every way.
safe. unfathomably happy.
then, with one thoughtless remark, the dream is gone.
the dream becomes only a dream, and my reality is a disappointing one.
there are no more good mornings,
just anxious, sleepless nights
and days spent in a haze, hoping for an escape.

currently on hold.

hate waiting..
i didn't really think that the busy signal was ever that ineffective. who decided that forcing customers to listen to tinny elevator jazz and berating them with mini-radio ads was a better idea?
couldn't i just call back later?

sunburns are so less than awesome.

sunscreen.
my best summer friend.
especially when planting a garden.
did it fail me? you might wonder.
no. it worked perfectly on the places i actually applied it.
but i missed. two large bands across my upper and lower back.
the tops of my ears. and the tops of my feet.
and now, it stings to the touch, it hurts to move, it hurts to wear clothes.



at least i will have heaps of delicious vegetables to munch in appox. 65 days.
woot.