i think the thing you said is true.

none of this makes any sense.
i see so clearly how to make my way out.

but there's so much holding me back.
most of it is on the surface,
most of it doesn't matter at all,
some of it matters everything.
and to make it worse

i think that you've fallen out of love with me.

boof.

BOOF ('büf): verb
1. to pitch an amazing game in major league baseball; to lead one's team to easily clinch a playoff spot in the postseason.
"With help from Torii Hunter, Joe Mauer, Jason Tyner, and Nick Punto, the Minnesota Twins BOOFED their way past Kansas City tonight to win the AL Wild Card Race."


2. to flounder miserably in one's debut year in major laegue baseball; to fail so deeply that fans would forever use one's name to describe a big loss.
"Way to BOOF it out there on the mound today, Johan."


Lucky for us, Boof Bonser did a fantastic job out there tonight, and we don't ever have to use that second definition.

escapism.

it's all about getting out.
that's everything to me.
all these leaps and bounds seem exhausting, though!
if i wasn't so well-adjusted, i wonder what i would be doing now.
who i would be seeing, how i would be feeling today?

"i've been so damn tired."

at night, i can't sleep.
i've backtracked every step i've taken in the last three weeks.
some of them i would step on differently, and others i wouldn't change for the world. all of them, i would have thought about more before taking.

or maybe that's my problem. maybe i've been thinking too much.
if i wasn't such a fucking scared little girl about everything, i wouldn't have to overthink everything.
logistics and statistics.
they will be my end.

"i'm guess i'm just a worrier. that's why my friends call me whiskers."
ah. . .yes. i remember.

i feel better.

the winds of change are sure taking me on a whirl of a journey lately.
but today i achieved everything i set out to do. those long-term worries that have been nagging at me everyday from the back of my mind.
i'm shooting down the demons one by one.


soon, i will be where i want to be.

someone tell me what to do

because i am having my doubts.

doubts about my integrity and what i deserve.
doubts about my ability and ambitions for success.
doubts about my responsibilities and willingness to endure.

life.

i am afraid. and i don't know how not to be.
does everybody feel this way?
please, somebody, tell me what to do with myself.

if you didn't know yet, let me tell you now

i'm starting over.

riding the wake.

i am compelled to write my usual whiny and complacent couple of sentences.

but this time i am inspired by "some something" other than apathy. i haven't been so happy as i have been the last two days in years. tessa and i haven't stopped laughing, skipping, hopping, gasping for air yet. every minute of the day goes much too too fast. my face hurts from smiling, my gut hurts from laughing, and i have more pictures of nature than i can ever decide what to do with.
i want her to take me with her.

today, i cannot seem to figure out how i ever let my life get so far off track. when did i get here? when did i start feeling like just another bump on the log? and why the fuck do i keep thinking that i am not good enough to do or be anything else?
i'm stuck. i feel like i've got one foot out the door and the other in a vice. but at least i know i am going to get out of here.