my my and mooses.

so i finally did it. i became a driver, and regretfully i won't be using the phrase "i'm a pedastrian" with as much enthusiam as i often did.
so i'm cruising down the highway tonight on my way home from work in the pitch black (4:30 pm, mind you), concerned more about my descending speed needle and my cautious, "fine buddy, drive as angry as you want behind me but i'm new at this so i'm not going any faster" attitude, when i notice flickering light from the headlights in front of me.

this can only mean one thing: there's something in the middle of the road.

as i slam on my breaks and thank god that it's not as slippery as it was yesterday, I realize that this is no deer. it's a big fucking moose.
okay, it wasn't that big. but even the small ones are massive. as it's just taking it's time across the road, i reflect upon the fact that god was trying to kill me on only my second day in the race.

thanks alot, guy, it sounds like a great idea. but i think i wanna hang around here a little longer. at least until i get to see my siblings again.

reflections of a lost soul.

i used to write.
more poetically, more profoundly, more often.

i clearly see several contributing factors to my absence:
the pathetic decline of my vocabulary and spelling abilities since leaving college.
the change of pace in my everyday life. motivation makes things happen. simple times call for simple measures.
i no longer feel as though i have an audience. and if i do still have an audience, i probably wouldn't recognize them if i saw them.

any of these hindrances are conquerable. a little discipline and "practice makes perfect" attitude could put me back in the game.

but what worries me,
what really scares me,
is perhaps that i see the world differently than i used to.
i'm jaded.
i'm tired.
i'm dead to the simple pleasures and easy joys i used to love about the world.
a shadow on the wall of lace curtains cast by moonlight seems lost on me now.

most of the time.

i hate the fact that half of my family lives in ireland. sure, the world is smaller today than it has ever been, but i often feel way farther than just a phone call away.

we are all missing out on so much. i guess i am just disappointed. i'd always thought these would be the years my little sister and i were going to live in the same apartment, have the same friends, and take care of each other. when my brother would be a raging success in a major u.s. city, and we would talk twice a week about girls and school and seeing each other soon.

i feel absolutely worthless with the realization that i can do nothing for the them from here. i feel like i am dining at a table that's missing its legs. and it won't even be repaired for the holidays.



woah. . .did someone say emo?

it's out there.

the moon is so bright on my
pillow tonight
that it's keeping me awake.
either that or the stinging pain
in my temples.

the moon or all of life's big questions
being shouted at me from the depths of my
own head
the brightness of the moon or the terror in
my heart.

have i done something wrong?
have i done something wrong?

baby it's too late.

and i am tired.
i spent all night making paper flowers, just wondering how many more nights i have to waste before i matter again.
waking up in the morning is so depressing. luckily, if i sleep all day, night shows up faster and i feel better sooner. i have come to the conclusion that daylight was just not designed with me in mind. thanks alot, god.

"I R stuck in park."
is what my uncle used to say.
i certainly feel that way now.

there are things i want to talk about. opportunities that i want to take. and i can't seem to find the right mountain to stand on so that everyone can hear when i cup my hands over my mouth and just yell.
not to mention. . .it really sucks knowing that i can't call up jimmy john's now (at one in the morning) and bribe them with jello shots and weed to ensure that my sandwich arrives before noon the next day. hypothetically speaking, of course.


i miss my life.

why am i the angriest person in america right now?

oh yeah, because the political season is in full swing right now.

it began with CNN breaking the news that the 2008 Republican National Convention will be held in the Twin Cities.
so I submitted the following commentary to Minnesota Public Radio:

When Wolf Blitzer first announced this news, I thought my head and heart might explode.
How low is the GOP going to go, invading a blue state like this?, I thought. Granted we are closer to lavender than we've ever been before, but I was hoping 2008 would be the year DFLers get back on our feet, and swing the state back into the realm of Deep Ultramarine where we belong. How can we do that now? With the likes of Tim Pawlenty and Norm Coleman convincing the Twin Cities that we should be proud to have the "most powerful people in the world" here in St. Paul?

I'm not convinced.

So I turned to the bright side of things. Perhaps the reality of watching well-known Conservative leaders take over the Twin Cities for four summer days in 2008 will help to unify the Democrats, Independents, Green Party, and others to keep our state from becoming a Republican stronghold. Over the years, we've enjoyed the luxury of having political options; the Green Party has gained adequate recognition in Minnesota over the last few years because of the DFL's precedence in matters such as environmental protection and education.
These are the the issues that should and will solidify the success of a progressive, non-Republican win for Minnesota in 2008, in spite of George W. Bush and the GOP National Convention.

Immediately upon finishing this statement, CNN breaks another story:
"House passes bill allowing Immunity to Bush Administration regarding International War Crimes."
oh, how wonderful.
the senate votes on it tomorrow. it can't possibly pass, can it?



right now i am sort of wondering if i will be dead in a few more months. or if the world will be dead because of the people in charge of it--who are supposed to be taking care of it. you can sure bet that i'm not going without a fight. i don't care that September 2008 is still two years away, i'm ready to march around the Xcel Energy Center hoisting signs in all my liberal glory.

i think the thing you said is true.

none of this makes any sense.
i see so clearly how to make my way out.

but there's so much holding me back.
most of it is on the surface,
most of it doesn't matter at all,
some of it matters everything.
and to make it worse

i think that you've fallen out of love with me.