arsenal

and now my life only amounts to one thing: drinking tea.

i don't love tea. i choke it down each and every hour of each and every day hoping to god i get well soon.

i suppose this is it. this is what happens to people like me. the hippies, the free spirits who don't believe in conventional medicine.

someone pray for me.

rave, little bit of drunk, polkeys apt.

"i think you are absolutely alluring."
what the FUCK do you want me to say in return?

"thank you. . ?"

god damn it. i'll be alone forever.
awesome.

stop, stop, stop.

"she cant stop shaking
and i cant stop touching her this time."



god damn. if only i had time to do all the things i want to be doing. theres just no time.

and i know thats no excuse. . .i have the same number of hours in a day as did einstein, picasso. . .i know. but to live inside ones own head is to live hesitantly. to live underappreciated. to live. . .bored.

i will never know how i affect other people. . .what they get from spending their time with me. i will never see myself through another's eyes. i will never feel my own touch on someone else's skin.

so where is my sense of accomplishment?

excerpts from this evening

the music is strange and distant. lives well in my mind.
i miss kate.
amazing. . .i dont even know who i'm talking to, and yet the music comes through.
almost an hour later, everything is still shit.
9:53
one problem solved, another to taunt me.
the palms of my hands ache from working hours in vain.
i lost it all and the ultra nerdy wooing.
i've driven the rest of them out, cant decide what is good or bad.
dead air.
silence.
and redemption.

a chocolate shake in the morning

after last night, i deserve it.
i glowed
i shone
i fucking radiated.

four times. four times i was mistaken for another.
i'm glad i'm not her, actually, she probably never gets to go out.

but i bet she doesn't have a chocolate shake.

unexpected pleasantry

some good does come from exchanging several precious hours between my sheets for the smoke-filled rooms and strange shared glances. free drinks is one. short but sweet conversation with an old flame is another. being pulled over, definitely wasn't part of the plan, but when she got off with only a warning, perhaps it was a sign from the Lutheran God of Wisconsin. the best and only, of course. . .
deja vous. . .a threat that plagued my day:

February 01, 2005
You'll accept to use your intuition instead of founding everything on reasoning, and this will open new horizons to you.

. . .well i could have told you that! :)