why am i the angriest person in america right now?

oh yeah, because the political season is in full swing right now.

it began with CNN breaking the news that the 2008 Republican National Convention will be held in the Twin Cities.
so I submitted the following commentary to Minnesota Public Radio:

When Wolf Blitzer first announced this news, I thought my head and heart might explode.
How low is the GOP going to go, invading a blue state like this?, I thought. Granted we are closer to lavender than we've ever been before, but I was hoping 2008 would be the year DFLers get back on our feet, and swing the state back into the realm of Deep Ultramarine where we belong. How can we do that now? With the likes of Tim Pawlenty and Norm Coleman convincing the Twin Cities that we should be proud to have the "most powerful people in the world" here in St. Paul?

I'm not convinced.

So I turned to the bright side of things. Perhaps the reality of watching well-known Conservative leaders take over the Twin Cities for four summer days in 2008 will help to unify the Democrats, Independents, Green Party, and others to keep our state from becoming a Republican stronghold. Over the years, we've enjoyed the luxury of having political options; the Green Party has gained adequate recognition in Minnesota over the last few years because of the DFL's precedence in matters such as environmental protection and education.
These are the the issues that should and will solidify the success of a progressive, non-Republican win for Minnesota in 2008, in spite of George W. Bush and the GOP National Convention.

Immediately upon finishing this statement, CNN breaks another story:
"House passes bill allowing Immunity to Bush Administration regarding International War Crimes."
oh, how wonderful.
the senate votes on it tomorrow. it can't possibly pass, can it?



right now i am sort of wondering if i will be dead in a few more months. or if the world will be dead because of the people in charge of it--who are supposed to be taking care of it. you can sure bet that i'm not going without a fight. i don't care that September 2008 is still two years away, i'm ready to march around the Xcel Energy Center hoisting signs in all my liberal glory.

i think the thing you said is true.

none of this makes any sense.
i see so clearly how to make my way out.

but there's so much holding me back.
most of it is on the surface,
most of it doesn't matter at all,
some of it matters everything.
and to make it worse

i think that you've fallen out of love with me.

boof.

BOOF ('büf): verb
1. to pitch an amazing game in major league baseball; to lead one's team to easily clinch a playoff spot in the postseason.
"With help from Torii Hunter, Joe Mauer, Jason Tyner, and Nick Punto, the Minnesota Twins BOOFED their way past Kansas City tonight to win the AL Wild Card Race."


2. to flounder miserably in one's debut year in major laegue baseball; to fail so deeply that fans would forever use one's name to describe a big loss.
"Way to BOOF it out there on the mound today, Johan."


Lucky for us, Boof Bonser did a fantastic job out there tonight, and we don't ever have to use that second definition.

escapism.

it's all about getting out.
that's everything to me.
all these leaps and bounds seem exhausting, though!
if i wasn't so well-adjusted, i wonder what i would be doing now.
who i would be seeing, how i would be feeling today?

"i've been so damn tired."

at night, i can't sleep.
i've backtracked every step i've taken in the last three weeks.
some of them i would step on differently, and others i wouldn't change for the world. all of them, i would have thought about more before taking.

or maybe that's my problem. maybe i've been thinking too much.
if i wasn't such a fucking scared little girl about everything, i wouldn't have to overthink everything.
logistics and statistics.
they will be my end.

"i'm guess i'm just a worrier. that's why my friends call me whiskers."
ah. . .yes. i remember.

i feel better.

the winds of change are sure taking me on a whirl of a journey lately.
but today i achieved everything i set out to do. those long-term worries that have been nagging at me everyday from the back of my mind.
i'm shooting down the demons one by one.


soon, i will be where i want to be.

someone tell me what to do

because i am having my doubts.

doubts about my integrity and what i deserve.
doubts about my ability and ambitions for success.
doubts about my responsibilities and willingness to endure.

life.

i am afraid. and i don't know how not to be.
does everybody feel this way?
please, somebody, tell me what to do with myself.

if you didn't know yet, let me tell you now

i'm starting over.