maybe one day

. . .you'll be worth it.

if i could write you a letter

i'd leave it in your bed.
tucked neatly between your sheets, so you couldn't miss it.

but you wouldn't read it.

i've posed that trick before, you claim to have thrown it away immediately.
my words apparently mean nothing to you.
but i wonder if those fibers still exist somewhere.
tucked neatly into a drawer, so you can remember someday.

what is it you will recall?
the things you've said about me. . .
my smile, my touch, my humor.
will you remember my insecurities?
will you realize that you caused many of them?

and where will i be on that day?
probably nowhere near you.
hopefully somewhere happier.
hopefully somewhere more fulfilling, more uplifting.

probably somewhere where i am even less understood.
it's too bad you can't give me what i really need.

at least not yet.

it had to be.

There is so much talent in you.
So much I want from you.
So much I project onto you.

But the "you" I see, is not the "me" that you know.
And the "me" with you is someone I've just barely met.
She's bashful, nervous, intimidated by the "you" who is aggressive, arrogant, mean.

But the nights are different. The mornings bring redeeming qualities.
They bring laughter, joy, sarcasm and wit.
They make it all worth it.
They make "you and I" into "we," even if for a few fleeting moments.

Surely we can meet somewhere in the middle.

I'm not trying to make something out of nothing.
I'm not trying to analyze you or sound overly romantic.
I won't tell you "I love you," or that "I will wait forever."
That isn't "me."
That isn't "you."
But whatever it is that "we" do is good for me.
And I just wanted you to know.

a day of labor.

I'm not exactly sure what really happened last night. . .or this morning, for that matter. Or why I am am feeling so smitten today because of it all. I haven't felt this way in so long, but even more oddly, I don't think these feelings are about any person in particular.

It's just that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I've got all the cards in my hand.

It's time to play.

an empty reflection.

what is wrong with me?!?!

why am i always so compelled to ruin a perfectly good thing?
all is not lost with this cause, however.
i'm giving myself another chance to (out)shine.

top shelf.

1. Everlong - Foo Fighters
2. Say It Ain't So - Weezer
3. I Want You - Bob Dylan
4. Hard To Explain - The Strokes
5. Queen Bee - Taj Mahal
6. One More Mouth - Josh Ritter
7 My Winding Wheel- Ryan Adams
8. Just Like Heaven - The Cure
9. Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie
10. Nothing - Mason Jennings
11. The Bucket - Kings of Leon
12. Desire - Ryan Adams
13. American Girl - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
14. Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
15. Girl From The North Country- Bob Dylan
16. Purple Rain - Prince
17. Police & Theives - The Clash
18. With Or Without You - U2
19. Name - Goo Goo Dolls
20. Sister Golden Hair - America
21. Penny Lane- The Beatles
22. Heart of Gold- Neil Young
23. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
24. Tupelo Honey - Van Morrison
25. This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads

*all titles subject to change.

get your dreams just right.

i used to feel.
i used to feel in light and color and passion and vigor.
i used to feel compassion.
i used to love.

emotion has given way to doubt.
to tension. to the uneasy, sinking, sickly feeling in my stomach.

you ask me to tell you,
"how does that feel?"
i wish i could tell you in terms you understand.
but you and i are different, too different, for you to ever know.
i could tell you about the torrential waves of color splashing against the backs of my eyelids.
i could tell you of the glistening light, the vibrancy of yellow and golden greens i see in the dark.
i could tell you how beautiful i find this moment; perfect in its simplicity.
i could tell you of the release. the sweet, agonizing, reconciling release.

but i let the moment slip away.
i let it all slip away.

like. hurt.

the world is pain.
we all know what it feels like to hurt. and to be hurt.

but there is no reason for your pain tonight. nothing you have done could ever have brought this upon you. you are a good man.

• • •

i've known good men. and i've known bad.
you hurt me, you love me.
i see you strut, i hear you crow;
i've seen you cower and i've heard you cry.
the uncertainty keeps me interested
and i come back because i like the abuse.

you thrill me because you don't want me.
you thrill me because i want you, too.

the impossible race.

there appears to be no finish line.

certainly not in sight, anyway.
everyday, i tie on my shoes and step out the door,
only to wander aimlessly through the morning mist.
only to trip, stumble and fall over every obstacle.

the winning prize is never guaranteed to anyone.
how is it that i feel entitled to it?

even now.
shouldn't the fog clear at some point?
shouldn't the fans be making their way to the sidelines?
shouldn't the ribbon be clearly visible to me now,
stretched across the track for me to strive for?
one last adrenaline rush to push me into the winner's circle?

Break through.
Breakdown.

anonymity is.

anonymity is my sanctuary.
a secret place. the only place one can admit freely the things she cannot feel in front of others.
it used to be beautiful.

but i don't have beauty now. too many people know too many things.
everyone knows something, some know everything. one or two even think they know more than i do.

being so vague is exhausting. the thrill of secrecy is fleeting.

i don't know what i want.

i'm waiting. . .

only a few more days until the girls arrive and the world flips over on its side.
paddy's day is going to be out of control! more out of control than that joke, the south side irish parade. of course, next year, i will give it another chance.
but as for now, i can only look forward to a sea of green on the northside. literally.

music is power.

you take me back there.

back to the sunny days laid out in the grass.
watching her fingers lace through the air, pounding on imaginary keys.
smiling our smitten, love sick smiles at each other.
leaving out details, but recognizing the omissions with sparkling eyes.
"i know true love don't love like anybody else."

the long dirt road to nowhere.
early one summer morning as the three of us crept along each slow curve.
the bass line pounding in my chest.
"the thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth."

i'm back there now
only in dreams.