stop, stop, stop.

"she cant stop shaking
and i cant stop touching her this time."



god damn. if only i had time to do all the things i want to be doing. theres just no time.

and i know thats no excuse. . .i have the same number of hours in a day as did einstein, picasso. . .i know. but to live inside ones own head is to live hesitantly. to live underappreciated. to live. . .bored.

i will never know how i affect other people. . .what they get from spending their time with me. i will never see myself through another's eyes. i will never feel my own touch on someone else's skin.

so where is my sense of accomplishment?

excerpts from this evening

the music is strange and distant. lives well in my mind.
i miss kate.
amazing. . .i dont even know who i'm talking to, and yet the music comes through.
almost an hour later, everything is still shit.
9:53
one problem solved, another to taunt me.
the palms of my hands ache from working hours in vain.
i lost it all and the ultra nerdy wooing.
i've driven the rest of them out, cant decide what is good or bad.
dead air.
silence.
and redemption.

a chocolate shake in the morning

after last night, i deserve it.
i glowed
i shone
i fucking radiated.

four times. four times i was mistaken for another.
i'm glad i'm not her, actually, she probably never gets to go out.

but i bet she doesn't have a chocolate shake.

unexpected pleasantry

some good does come from exchanging several precious hours between my sheets for the smoke-filled rooms and strange shared glances. free drinks is one. short but sweet conversation with an old flame is another. being pulled over, definitely wasn't part of the plan, but when she got off with only a warning, perhaps it was a sign from the Lutheran God of Wisconsin. the best and only, of course. . .
deja vous. . .a threat that plagued my day:

February 01, 2005
You'll accept to use your intuition instead of founding everything on reasoning, and this will open new horizons to you.

. . .well i could have told you that! :)

another gray day...

...i've been a minnesotan my whole life and i still cant get used to it. gray skies all the time.

yesterday was a blur.
beginning with a barrage of green
followed by the soothing envelope of deep red
an unexpected turquoise streak
and concluding with a loud, exciting purple.

it felt good.

out of the blue

so. . .i was pretty sure i posted a new blog last night, but obviously my drunk ass was way incompetent. becca was here, she knows.

anyway, so i now love listening to the radio again. it totally brings back the joy and splendor of being a little kid again.

ahh music. . .love it.

you know what else i love? art nerds. and i thoroughly enjoy being one of them. out of the sheer pleasure of randomness that surrounds us.

and the snow falls

aside from todays distinctive blizzard, everyday is the same as the one before.
the sink full of dishes
the struggle for food
the taebo workout
the weed smokers' greeting
the lust after beer
a short walk in the cold
the brush dipped in paint
the mindless computer games
the same playlist over and over
the late nights laughing
its like college without the classes. but i am getting a bit thirsty for learning again. i wonder if i could get a better education somewhere else. chicago?